10 Things YouTube Makeup Gurus Do That I Hate.

1. Apologize for absolutely nothing.
   1. You don’t need to explain yourself – and if you insist, limit it to a 30 second “apology”. If your dog got hit by a car, I’m pretty sure that warrants you to log off from YouTube for a couple of weeks. If you left YouTube to go join a nudist colony, that’s probably not something I’m interested in hearing. But if you left YouTube to go track down your cheating husband of 10 years and set his car ablaze…tell me all about it. Other than that, don’t use an apology as an avenue to plug all the glitzy shit you’ve been up to as a pseudo-celebrity. We get it.
2. Recommend products that we KNOW were endorsed.
   1. If you’re a natural hair guru and you interrupt your 5 minute video to plug the new GutBuster3000X ‘Guaranteed to make you lose 600 a year’ or some shit, we know someone put you up to it. I can deal with a little product placement but don’t insult my intelligence, Tonya. 
3. Scream. A. Lot.
   1. You’re not performing a ritual and headphone users shouldn’t be the ones offered for sacrifice. 
4. Shamelessly plug their social media presence.
   1. I hate when YouTube gurus end their wonderful content with: *valley girl voice* “Alright guys. If you liked what you saw, follow my Facebook, Tumblr, Pinterest, Etsy, dead Myspace, my cousin Rayray’s instagram, and my Twitter. Oh! And don’t forget to give me 10 fingernail clippings, the egg of a python, a lock of your hair and your firstborn child. If anything, jumbling all your social media pages together in one monologue only makes me see just how much hard work  it’s going to be to keep up with you. Glitter eyebrows are not worth that much hassle, Becky.  
5. Recommend high-end, expensive products without warning.
   1. “Hey guys! For this look, I will be using 20 different $40 makeup brushes, $20 liquid lipstick, $5 celebrity eyelashes, $50 M.A.C concealer, a $25 blush palette and $100 deluxe eyeshadow palette.” Watching YouTube gurus go from starting out with drugstore products to becoming YouTube famous and recommending high-end everything is fascinating. You have to remember that the entire reason your followers are even your followers is because YouTube tutorials and DIYs are a free learning resource. Most of the people watching your shit are doing it because it was either learn on your own or hire a round-the-clock, professional makeup artist. Considering the fact that most of us aren’t living at the Ritz-Carlton or driving Lamborghinis around, being self-taught is the only option. You might just be isolating the high schoolers, broke college kids, thrifty brides and struggling soccer moms that made it possible for you to climb the YouTube food chain. 
6. Never showing the end results.
   1. I always wonder what people are trying to hide when they cut the video off before the results are shown. Then why upload in the first place? Was it that bad?? Did something catch on fire???
7. Cheesy voice-overs.
   1. If you’re being normal in the video but are making bird noises in the voice over, it’s like nails on a chalkboard. And don’t laugh at your own jokes. I thought that was a rule or something.
8. Rambling…
   1. No one wants to here about how you *just ran into* your other YouTube guru “friends” in the same city, on the same day, at the same time, in the same venue, at the same table. When do you think I was born?
9. Insulting yourself to receive compliments…
   1. If your face is beat to the gods, your nails are sharp enough to rival Exacto knives, your hair smells like victory, and you spend 10 minutes magnifying your invisible flaws: YOU. ARE. LOOKING. FOR. CHEAP. COMPLIMENTS. Ones that I will not give. This is not the part where I reassure you that you’re the fairest one of them all. 
10. Just plain, bad acting. Also, accents. *cringe*
    1. You’re not that bubbly. Stop. You’re not from the UK. Stop. You use way more slang than that – tell the truth and shame the devil. 

2016 Must Be The Year Of…

Toning it down… Yes, that means less dramatic contouring, too. I should not be able to see the race track down your nose every time your turn your head. Sometimes less weave is more. Do you really need 5 bundles? At this point, some chicks are 96% hair, eyelashes and lips. No more mesh, lace and cut-out Instagram boutique “dresses”. If the only thing the dress covers is your tits, ass and future kids, you’re doing it wrong. *There are more convincing ways to let people know you are comfortable in your skin and value your sexual freedom. I’m not saying covering up is somehow better. I’m am saying that you’re going to probably sit down and catch something, when you ride the subway home. Think twice about whether you really want to spend $200 on that 28 inch, platinum blonde Kanekalon lacefront wig. And if you do decide to make that “investment”, at least do the public a grande service of wearing it at least 2 inches from your eyebrows. Sometimes less is more.

Less trends & more lasting style… Remember when everyone bought those neon shirts with obscene jokes on them, tutus, long socks, color scrunchies and listened to LMFAO. In 5 years, you will look just as moronic, if you follow this year’s wave of generally accepted idiocy. Go classic. Classic always survives the photo album test. Take a few pieces from each year and pair them with what you already know works.

The “whores” and the “nuns” defending eachother… I love the force of girl power. The time we spend rashing each other out and screenshotting our Facebook arguments can be used on empowering each other an breaking stereotypes. For years, guys have tried to fit us all into two categories: the virginals and the jezebels. Either you’re a good girl or a bad girl. Other than the fact that this is completely calculated bullshit, it has managed to turn us women against each other. Time to stop that. Stop using sex workers and transgendered women as an excuse to hurl slurs, discriminate or cause physical harm. Support all sisters. Even the ones: that are without hourglass figures, breasts, all their functional limbs, all their clothes or any children. The ones that can’t find their shade of concealer in most stores, the ones with coarse hair, the ones with too many allergies, the ones with unusual jobs and strict religions too.

Decoration of black girls! I am here for happy black girls enjoying their shrinkage and marveling in their own melanin flawlessness. Put sea shells, crowns, flowers and more color into your natural hair. Carry on being the local virtility goddess you are.

Being selfish sometimes! No more heartfelt facebook statuses. No more 10-piece Twitter rants. No more tequila-fueled drunk dialing. No more shitty instagram relationship memes (No. Really. I HATE those with a fiery passion). Just get up, get out and live. People always want what they can’t have. Once he sees that he is no longer top priority (and is actually easily replaceable) he’ll either buckle up or leave – in which case you either win for dropping dead weight or win for straightening him up. An eye for an eye, mamita!

Being more clear…Say no more often. Say what you want, when you want it (but consider your surroundings). Don’t beat around the bush or suggest otherwise to be polite. If you don’t wish to be bothered, say it. If you think someone’s not funny, express that in a mature way. If you think someone is trying to manipulate you or the situation, say it. Someone trying too hard to charm you out of your underwear? Say it. Life is too short to be wasted on being politely frightened.

Ditching the cliché. 

1. Stop saying you’re a “bad bitch”. Every broke chick in the club is apparently a ‘bad bitch’, until she can’t get a ride home. Strive to be a rich bitch.
2. Stop with the cheap, poorly-done, overused bodycon dresses, over-priced Timberlanes, paintbrush eyelashes and buy-one-get-one-free Victoria Secret fragrances. Break from the mold. Find your signature and role with it. I shouldn’t be able to confuse you with the cast of Love & HipHop [insert unfortunate city].
3. Don’t be afraid to ignore Cosmo & Glamour magazines. They are usually late anyway. Be brave, not beige.
4. If the only shoe designers you can name in under 10 seconds are Guiseppe Zanotti, Christian Louboutin, and Manolo Blahnik – Oh my sweet, summer child…

Proving yourself wrong. Challenge accepted is the motto. Meet that deadline with 10 minutes left on the clock. Pull up your fucking grades. Do so well on the project that you scare your partners with your new-found level of productivity. Prove the doubters wrong. You are only a failure if you give up.

Detoxing. Stop smoking. Stop drinking. Take a week off from sex. Put down the cheeseburger. Take a shower. Put on a mask. Exfoliate. Get in touch with your hygiene and health. Drink water. Get some sleep. Moisturize your soul or some shit. Your body is a machine; take care of the run-done bitch.

Acting your wage… Don’t ball out just to create a facade of carefree-ness in your life. If you live in the projects and drive a lamborghini, ‘daft’ is an understatement. Don’t shop at Nordstrom when you should be working at Rainbow. Don’t buy the fucking fur coat if you survive on government cheese. Wait a year.

Happy Place 1/21/16

I want to start doing a segment on this blog called “Happy Place”. I feel as if I have truly realized the importance of mental comfort zones throughout this past semester at U of M. There were many times in which I felt hopeless, lonely, angry and quite scared. Usually, these emotions were the bi-product of situations I put myself in. Procrastination and laziness lead to missed deadline, which led to lower grades, which would lead into a fear of opening emails which lead to an acute fear of all things academic. After begging for extensions and rushing to make up lost work, I’d often stay up all night making lists. Lists of what I needed to finish, what I could no longer finish, and what I still had left. I neglected to take care of myself because I wanted to finish my work first. But with no work being finished, I was slipping further and further into an abyss of procrastination and fear.

Shows I am currently obsessed with…

Jane the Virgin. 

The Roommate from Hell…

My previous semester here at U of M, was full of anxiety attacks, sleepless nights and missed deadlines. Nonetheless, nobody contributed more to my frustration than my now ex-roommate (who, for the sake of the privacy which she doesn’t deserve, will be renamed)…Puerco. Feel free to Google the meaning of that.

Puerco was everything wrong with humanity. She was an ignorant, sleep-talking, sleep-farting, belching, gut-scratching, unhealthy, anti-social ball of greasy awkwardness. I’d be able to identify her ass crack in a police line-up from six miles away.

Backstory = Last semester, I roomed directly with Puerco and the other room in our suite was occupied by an RA (who I will refer to as “Teletubbie”). They had met long before I entered the equation and together they joined forces to make my life unbearable.